Been thinking about the last twenty years of my life.
I spent my 20’s trying to find love instead of partying and socializing. Not that I’m minimizing love. I just wish I had spent some equal time forming more friendships. But I was too awkward and shy to do that.
I spent my 30’s being ill. Had a severe hyperthyroid condition that started when I was 32 and continued until I was 35. Had massive surgery on my uterus at 34, which probably helped with my thyroid condition among changing my diet and quitting smoking. So I was able to get pregnant by 35. Then I spent 36-40, so far, being a mom. Definitely no time to form any lasting friendships.
I fear that this is common among my peers. People of my generation, I think, started the anti-social behavior we now see so prevalent among younger generations. My hope is that my daughters generation breaks the cycle and moves toward being social and smart. I’d like to also see them heal the planet our ancestors practically destroyed.
So here I am. 40 years old. I didn’t do ‘nothing’ but I wish I had done more to help give me more self confidence and self esteem. I wish I had stayed in touch with more co-workers through the years. Sure, we have Facebook and Instagram. But that can not replace physical contact. Seeing another human in a social setting is such a basic human need. I think we suffer more from anxiety and depression because we just can’t seem to find the right group of peers who accepts us for who we are. There always seems to be an element of judgement and envy. No one is every just happy. Why is that so difficult?
Maybe this is what a mid-life-crisis is? Maybe I’m not alone in this. Perhaps there’s someone out there typing this very same note about their feelings of sadness as I am. Perhaps they will some day stumble upon this and know that I see them. Who knows. I’ll save the rest for therapy… whenever I’m able to go back.
In conclusion, isolation is starting to get to me. I’m starting to yearn for my youth. Oh, to be younger and in better physical shape but with the wisdom I have gained today. I’d be unstoppable.